paintingreen

i've moved. find me if you can. :)

last night's moon was sooooo yellow. and it was so low, it looks gigantic. i have never seen a moon like that (though it's pretty much the same moon anyway) i was really stunned. it was beautiful.
i read things that i do not need to find out, do not wish to find out. but found out anyway. i was so upset. lux empathized. ys says i was getting upset over things with no basis. argh! i really dislike her! (and him)
ys tried to cheer me up with the 'somewhere nice' to eat the 'something nice'. haha.
to add on to that, i was praying last night that i would have to sweet dream to make up for that.
and i got the worst nightmare. bleah!
i've worked 2 weeks. 2 more to go! the shenton way crowd is really scary. and i realised these executives have got to be the most ugly around. snatching places on the train, placing tissue to reserve seats, they're just super kiasu! gosh...i'm going to be like them! how?!
i borrowed ru guo dao guo, yi ge li ren. really like the book. someone buy for me!!!

did you see the moon tonight?
it's so pretty! aww...

finally watched over the hedge with didi tonight.
it's so funny. like what my friend said.
she's going to extract her wisdom tooth this friday. hope it wont be as painful as what peg said.
tc gal!

so for those of you who have yet to know how my family talks.
here's a bit of it:
Dear Fernni,

How is everyone at home?

How is mum's condition?

How is dad doing?

How come you so fat?

Best Regards,
Collin Tan

STUPID TAN YEW WOON,
EVERYONE IS OK LA IDIOT.
HOW COME U SO IRRITATING?
THERE GOT FLOOD OR NOT.
V COLD THEN U NEVER SHOWER RIGHT. YOU DIRTY DISGUSTING RAT.

note: this is considered very kind.

so, apart from the mundane work, the household chores, the amazing times immersed in the arts, the lazy hours spent in front of the tv, the crazy shopping and the noisy gossips, there has to be time for myself. really wanted to paint, but havent gotten much images in my head yet. and here's a little painting done when my mum just had her operation. the black and white one is the zoo, done for archi. and the other one was done last year, repainting parts here and there recently. i feel really bad, havent painted for ages! think i'm losing the skill...

and i had tea with myself today. fruit tea from mich, didi n peg! made from grapes, banana and cherries. it's so nice and it's red in colour! the lamp's from lux, isnt it pretty? hee...i was reading prizes by erich segal by the way. sighs. so many books to read, so little time.

oh before i forget, if u're free, pls go down to the art museum to see yr 1 aki works. if not, here's a horrible picture of me. i was forced to take this picture. haha. and paul had to put another horrible picture of me looking like an idiot trying to act like a snob with the text.

bleah.

i havent updated for some time huh. yes office work has been so tiring that i could sleep from 9pm to 7+am the next day.not exactly very healthy. but the mundane things i do in office is still bearable compared to other jobs i've had. and the environment is not bad too. so glad for ys having lunch with me everyday. :)
so the week before i watched love story. and i'm totally in love with it.
well i watched death and the ploughman last sat. it was truly surreal. (apart from the part the person beside me have to keep dozing) the lines were brilliant. i saw my family's frustration in the ploughman. and the ending was perhaps calming. yes, why did you have to take him away in his prime? maybe it's not unfair, maybe death is the only fair thing. I watched the transition from anger to acceptance, and lastly how it ended with a prayer, it was all so familliar.

And yesterday i watched A Stranger at home. wasnt expecting much but it was really good. one of the few plays that made me cry. in fact i cant remember crying at plays. cant believe it's written by my jc tutor, ng how wee and directed by my jc ccs teacher. there were so many parts that truly touched my heart. i guess that's why local plays would always have a very special place in me. the film parts by royston tan were great too. memories. i think it's a truly amazing thing. after the play, of cos i was so disturbed and ys n i started attempting to walk home from national library. it was nice talking about memories and looking at this little island at night. it was so 'sweet and cosy'. we saw this guy that looked like he's talking to someone when there's no one there. it was really creepy. we gave up at our walk eventually. i was too tired.

and last sunday was my bday. was really touched. meisiang! i hope i'll paint on the canvases soon! lux gave me a green skirt and a really nice lamp!it's on every night now... yushan baked me a cake! and jan had to rush down after her bbk trip...she must be so tired. and thanks for the presents! the 'breast warmer' was well...heart warming. and the earrings were so sweet! thanks mich, didi n peg! the lip glosses were so cute! hope i'll really be in love after applying them. hee...

and thanks to all those who msged me :) u guys make huifen smile.
i'm really thankful for all that i have now. things will get so much better right?
just another 6 months.

i'm working at AIA now.
yes, the uncertainty of life has inspired me to encourage people to do something for their loved ones-while they're still around. and so i've quit school and sales have been really good. everyone was moved to tears when i told them my heart wrenching tale complete with my usual exaggeration.in fact someone just signed a 1 million policy today. he even thanked me for my advice and swore it changed his life.and so today i have moved to the 21st floor from my humble 9th floor seat a few days back.i now have a personal secretary that i casually mentioned must be a cute guy and indeed i was assigned one...
HAHA.
i'm just an odd job worker there la. i organise cabinets that have documents that are really old and i'm really allergic to the dust and stuff! my hands got pricked a thousand times with the stapled documents in the files. they hurt while i type this.and i verify signatures and stamp letters and etc etc odd jobs. i squeeze with the shenton way ppl in the train. on the roads. in the company. in eating places. they are everywhere! what a nightmare. these ppl are adult sardines man.
and yes i'm still in 9th floor. the lowest rank in 9th floor. it's going to be a packed month. literally and figuratively.
but at least july will be free. before school starts in aug.

ma screamed today when i helped her change her dressing. but i've been changing it for her since her operation. hope she's fine. :(

and thanks ys for bestowing her popular company. diaos. -_-

it's my bday soon! but no one has asked me out yet. :( esp not THE ONE.

okok.what's with all those symbols?!

sighs. ma got her report today. she still has to go for 6 months of chemo.
the road is still long.
but i'll be strong! and so will my ma...

i was quite malu-ed yesterday at sam. how did those ppl know i'm staying in archi? arghs... thought they wont notice. bleahx.

after that i didnt feel like going home n i decided to take 133. it used to be my fav bus after 76. haha. then i went ys's house to get some "ham" stuff cos her bro's hammie died. and we watched tv together...seems like such a long time since we last did that...

sighs...the earthquake killed more than 5k ppl. rebuilding would be so tough. Dear Lord, give them strength.

i should start learning driving soon! and oh my bday is coming! and i've gotten a wonderful gift frm siang alrdy! but too bad my bro is leaving on sat...

i'm so slpy...yawns...

hmm...got my results.
it's not bad. my cap dropped a bit. but i'm still quite happy with it.
ok...i did something rather dumb.
a few months back, i've decided to leave archi bcos i think archi is not what i want to do.
i applied to arts and social sciences. and so i've received the matric package and all and now i've decided to stay in archi.
cos they arent sure if i can transfer my credits. 6000+ for the school fees and sleepless nights for that 44 credits.
in the end i still cant let go.
i felt as if i'm a wife who has asked for divorce and then remarried the same guy. taking the vow again, twice as sure as the previous time, i wrote in the application, "i have decided to stay in my current course of study."
i feel so dumb, think i'll be so malu-ed next sem. haha.

I, MISS TAN HUI FEN take you MR ARCH to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.

erm...correction, just for another 3 years.

i watched love story by kelvin tong with janice. apparently she didnt really like it. haha. i quite enjoyed it. the images were beautiful but maybe the storyline just isnt clear enough. but i think like what foreign critics say, singapore films have their unique way of telling stories. a lot of experimentation with using the film as a medium to express an emotion rather than an event. and i like the lines:)
next up, death and the ploughman + a stranger at home.

a dragonfly lived in my house for 2 days. and i saw the corpse lying beside my laptop today.

i'm still alive, i finally decided to vacuum my floor today. i suddenly remembered this word in my geog textbook "back-breaking".

sighs. earthquake. hope the victims will recover soon.may time heal their soul.

and pls bless ma. let her recover real soon.

quick update :/
this week has been a lot of praying.
and so my mum had her operation on mon. and we're still waiting for the report.
in the meanwhile, it has been quite a lot of pain for her.
i'm getting rather fed up with the chores, but reasonably faster at them too.
nus gave me a scare on my application.
and i fainted at the hospital today. the doc suspects it's those valves again. i dont care.
i dreamt of h e past two nights. i sort of miss him.
getting my results tmr :(

maybe things arent as bad as they seemed.
i'm really glad that i still have frens with me. i probably wouldnt know how to continue without them.
and so i've been doing a bit of washing. e clothes and e dishes.
she's still cooking, but next week onwards we'll start buying takeaway.
mon is her operation. it's so fast. but i know she will recover.
i went to the temple near my house yesterday. when e uncle said it's a bad lot and that person must be seriously ill, i cried. he said he cant continue if i cry and he walked away. later in the afternoon, ma went to the temple too, she said her lot was average.
then today we went to the temple near bugis. the interpretation was bad. she was quite upset.
we went to my old workplace to have bak kut teh. it was nice. i wonder when we can go there again.
kor will be back tmr.
i am really afraid to see her in pain. i know it's going to be so much more painful than my operation last july. and that was already very painful to me, so i am very afraid for her.
God will be there to give her strength.
and then she will recover.

and so it is cancer.
...
pray for her.
i could blame God. but i dont want to. i know he is with me. it may not seem clear now. but i know he will be there if i keep the faith. right?
after this i will see good times right?
and i know my brother in heaven will be watching over her.

hee...i'm back. was back on mon actually. slacked till now.
some of what i wrote in my notebk:

“As the sky turn into surreal swirls of colours, I felt as if i were entering a dream. Sipping oolong tea in comfort, the moon was getting brighter with every mile travelled and it definitely felt like we were travelling backwards in time. It feels like the 1990s where life revolved around hongkong tv serials and i was still a little girl. It's been ages since we last had a family outing but it feels different firstly due to the difference in roles (bro told me to take care of my parents) and secondly, the number remaining in my family. In a short while i would see my brother, and we'll be stepping on the very soil that my eldest brother visited last September while i was in bangkok.”

“The car ride from hong kong to Shenzhen to Guangdong and finally to our hotel in Humen took a whipping 4 hours! By the time we were in the comforts of our cozy room, it was already 2am. In between, I was stuck at the Shenzhen customs cos they couldn’t find my records. My heart almost stopped when the car we took broke down twice on the expressways. I realized that officers in hongkong wore nametags with their names while the officers in Shenzhen wore nametags with numbers. How degrading. They also have this culture of horning their cars for no specific reason which would probably drive anyone deaf and dizzy.

Today has been tons of shopping and good food. My brother has definitely changed drastically. But I don’t know why my heart pains to see him mature. I think of all the hardship he has to undergo there, the failed business, the death of his brother. I suddenly wished he was still my spoilt brother.

I choked on a fish bone during dinner and I acted like a totally spoilt kid refusing to eat anything else. After the dinner, my parents and my brother brought me to buy chips to cheer me up. It felt so much like in the past. But, every time I think of this, I’m reminded of my eldest brother. He will never be here to partake in these anymore.

This trip felt as if we were retracing his paths. Ma cried at the thought of not coming with him last sep. The time together is never enough when one leaves.”

“The third day of our trip was filled with shopping. Ma really can buy a lot of things. We have had great food too, dim sum, jap food, seafood, Korean food, and what’s left to eat? Fungus! Eew…I thought the worse was over when I saw crocodiles and seal in the seafood restaurant, but they actually have this fungus steamboat!

Pa started drinking lots of beer when he realized drinking beer there is chaper than coke. He had 9 cans in 2 days excluding the bottles during meal times.

Saturday morning, the bus was super early. It was cold and I didn’t want to leave my brother. I cried on the bus. I want my brother. It feels like he’s staying in china. We went to his store and the people there were so close to him. I was so jealous of them cos they could see him so much more than me. Can kor come back? I’ll bring water for u when u’re thirsty and cook noodles for u at night. I’ll lend u my moisturizer and buy u food when I come home.

The bus ride to hong kong were very confusing indeed. We had to take 3 different buses and go through 2 customs. At every custom I was stopped and asked to take off my specs cos I didn’t look like my passport photo. When we finally reached hongkong, we realized it is so much like Singapore. I got quite bored. But the food here is really good.

We walked down star avenue at night. Gosh, he was right. I’ll never forget that feeling. I can never find any word to describe. The skyline was the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I wished I could stay there.

The art museum wasn’t too impressive. I saw ponies outside the museum! For some exhibition I think. Then we went to the peak on Sunday. I swore never to go there again regardless of the marvelous view there. The tram ride made me so scared I was grabbing ma’s hands! Temple street is nicer than ladies street I concluded. But doesn’t beat Guangdong. Haha. And I love watching the latest hong kong tv serial in hong kong! It feels so near!”

"it was nice to be back in sinapore...people say the world never stop turning without the presence of anyone. the world is just never the same again. i'll never look at this city in the same way again."

And so I’m back. And so dead…I have a few hours more to finish my panel which I haven’t started. Argh!

i dreamt of my brother last night.
he called back and said he missed us, missed my mum's cooking.
we were crying hard in the dream, and he was crying on the other line too.
i told my dad, my dad told my mum.
my mum cried. she can never cook for him again.

went to my cousin's house today. reminded me of our childhood.
hohoho. i know her secret now.
and my beatles guy!! wonder if i'll ever get to know him. my cutest neighbour.

i'm flying tmr. be back soon.

pages from my notebook.

some quick sketches in my notebook. done when i'm alone and thinking of you.

met mich, didi n peg today. i missed didi's shocked expressions and silly reasons. i missed mich's singing. and of cos i see peg every other day but i know i'll miss her soon.

i havent talked much tonight. just didnt feel like. and then i realise it's 8 may. again. how fast, time really flies.

today we met up. it's been so long. e 4 of us finally form the sq again!


hs,me,ys.
we had steamboat at my cousie's gf's family's place. hahaha. we kept joking abt having better service if my cousin was there. hs was so quiet! then solar egg aka pui had e bowling competition with jan again. jan won! haha. it's been 1.5 yrs since i last went there. e last time was j2, ys's bday. i remember being so sick tt day n i had to go home after eating 2 fishballs. 2 fishballs for 12 bucks!


the tired us. i was rushing home to watch e election results. so happy to meet up with e 3 of them!
then e election results made me happy too! i mean although they didnt win, the percentages of votes meant a lot! ( i even recorded all the figures k...)
keep up e gd work! i can alrdy see a v different scene in the next elections...


2am. just finished watching all the rally stuff. it's raining and it's cold. cant even remember when was the last time it rained like that at night. hmm. seems to be in my childhood memories. i'll be awaken by the rain and be amazed with i see outside the window. it's beautiful when it rains. as usual the 10mins rule i'm playing recently...

today i was on the bus. was sitting beside a little boy and his bro was sitting opp me. they were silent. except occasional smiles when they both see something that interests them. i was so captivated by their expressions. it's as if they knew each other so well cos their lives revolved only around each other at that time. brothers fight, but they're still brothers. it reminded me of my brothers.
the parents behind were debating abt the most banal things and it suddenly disgust me that adults are such horrible creatures. suddenly love is such a hypocritical thing. when you 'own' the person, it gets so utterly banal.
when the little boy left, he forgot his red toy car. i stood up and tapped on his shoulders. he turned in surprise and i passed it back to him as he checked his pockets. i understand how terrible he would have felt if he had lost it on the bus.
after all, i have lost loved ones too.

give him 10 minutes, and if he doesnt speak, he doesnt deserve a second.

if reading abt it is going to be so painful,
would you still read?
i would. i'm that silly. 3 of those would make me sad. and i'll always read.
i closed my eyes just now and thought briefly.
hmm. actually it didnt matter. everything will be over, sooner or later.
not important. not at all. even if it makes me sad.

we ate so much today! all bcos of SOMEONE. haha.
oh i got a free teapot and cup today! with nice black flowers! now i get drink more tea! esp the tea leaves frm mich, didi n peg last yr.
maybe i really shldnt worry too much. i almost cried while eating today. how silly.
it'll be alright. it'll be alright.

was watching memory of the youth till 4am on wed. luv it.


oh so sweet.

had my hair trimmed on tues. before tutoring my cousin math.
then wed was shopping with my 2 cousins lx n yt. i need a job, to make up for my impulsive buys yesterday.

i shall just pray. we wont know yet, till further tests. i know she'll be alright.

and i'll decide whether to stay in archi by my self declared deadline, 17may.

and i'm going to ignore some ppl who dont appreciate me.

polling day on sat, elections getting so exciting.

my pain seems to come in installments.

yes, my mum is ill. i don't know how serious yet, an operation in inevitable.
and yes, i, been the only child that is with her failed to detect anything that an educated being should detect. i have seen the possible symptons and dismissed them with the most lousy excuse, my busy schedule.
and yes, i do not know what to do and is utterly useless now.
and yes, i still have to let her worry about me. about me not being able to decide whether to change course. and my stupid nose that swells almost everyday.
and yes, i am sad and miserable and my friends are asleep but it doesn't matter cos i wouldnt know what to say anyway.
because i know nothing and i dont know how to ask.

i'm sorry kor, i didnt do what i promised you. i am so utterly useless. her optimism and strength brings tears to me. absolutely useless tears.

look, I'M THE BEST.
hahahahhahahhahahahhahahhahahhahahhahahahahhahahhahahha.
i'm so amused by this and the 1001 other comments he made.
hahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhaahahhaha.
i cant be more amused. i cant stop laughing.

anyway i watched death and the maiden today. the lighting was so amazing. but i got quite giddy after a well. well it's just my personal health prob. and the gunshot! so cool! hahaha.hmm the set looks so different now! not like how it looked like when it was with the contractor lor. then i wandered arnd on my own retracing some of the paths that held peculiar memories.

and after that i saw HIS old blogs and now i still cant stop laughing!

i'm so evil. serve me right. i just saw a gigantic lizard in my kitchen!!!